Thursday, December 9, 2010

Official Rejection: Cool People Discussing Video Games in Physics Class Podcast

The internet is full of useless stupid people discussing subjects that nobody actually cares. Each day, more losers add their podcasts and blogs to this huge junk pile of crap, thereby making more and more lives miserable. A new podcast, entitled Cool People Discussing Video Games in Physics Class, does absolutely nothing to prevent this coming apocalypse. Instead it furthers it, by adding the opinions of 4 losers to this mess of videos, Facebook posts, and images of kittens known as the Internet. In it, 4 random dudes ramble on about boring stuff like video games, and random stupid technology crap. Yeah, I know, it's lame. For this abject failure at life, we present the Cool People Discussing Video Games in Physics Class podcast with an Official Rejection. This indicates that it is not worth your time, so don't even bother following them on Facebook, or checking out Episode 2 or Episode 1. Trust me. It's really that bad.

Monday, November 1, 2010

News Flash: Midterm Elections!

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With the U.S. Midterm Elections approaching in 2 days, tensions all around the country are heating. Based off polls and trends in congress, analysts predict heavy losses for the Democrats. I a quote by Obama, "There is no doubt that this is a difficult election."

Or, in a language that most people can understand, "We're screwed." Joe Biden, in preparation for the race, was seen hitting his campaign managers with McCain posters. "When you get knocked down, there's only one thing to do. Get up. Get up and vote." Public awareness over the election is also gaining traction, as more people to consider who they will select as there candidate. "Is that for the Superbowl?", said one citizen, "Because then I'm voting for whoever is black." The elections even prompted a rally by pundits John Stewart and Stephen Colbert, asking all Mormon Jay-Z fans to get in their cars and drive through a narrow strip of road. "I think this is metaphor something," commented one spectator, "But I'm really not sure what... Maybe it has to do with standing in line for Superbowl tickets?"

But above all, one message has solidified from the chaos of the midterms. Vote. For, if you vote, you will be further contributing to the giant power-ball lottery known as democratic elections.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

News Flash: Halloween!

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The upcoming holiday of Halloween, originating in Ireland, is one of many that have been adopted into American culture. On this night, ghosts and ghouls, vampires and werewolves, and the scariest of all, Hannah Montana, gather to engage in the popular activity of the theft and consumption of high glucose solids wrapped in colorful paper used as a mask to cover the true artery clogging, fat building, teeth rotting yumminess inside. More popularly called, Trick-or-Treating.

Along with the a raise in heart attacks, Halloween also marks a rise in pumpkin sales. Millions of Americans have bought pumpkins in order to hollow them out, deface them, and let them rot. "I'm really excited to see how fast the mold spreads," one kid told us. No matter where you are, you can look forward to a wide assortment of lame carved pumpkins that you feel a sudden urge to kick over and chop into pieces with an Axe.

But above, don't forget to waste time, scare little kids, and get obscenely fat. Happy Halloween!

Oil Spill In The Gulf Is A Government Conspiracy! Must Read!

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As you may have heard on the news, at school, at work, at home, at your mom's house, at your dad's house, in the cardboard box you live in, the Gulf coast oil spill has been expanding at a rapid rate and threatens the lives of many marine wildlife. This catastrophic disaster has been stirring alarm all across the United States. So pack yo kids, pack yo wife, and pack yo husband 'cause they callin' everybody out here! Wrong!

Our top reporter went on the scene and interviewed some marine wildlife about their experiences with the oil spill. Mr. fat old sea cow, had this to say, "......." From this response, it is clear that the wildlife have not been affected at all by this so called "world catastrophe," as the government is leading us all the believe.

This government conspiracy suggests that something is being hidden from the public. Common questions being asked regarding it include: "Is there really an oil spill?" "If there is, can we blame exxon just because?" "Were the images photoshopped?" "Can I meet Mr. fat old sea cow?" "What time is it?" and lastly "Why are you wasting my time asking me quesions?"

A further analysis will be conducted in order to confirm that the government is messing with our minds.

Friday, October 1, 2010

News Flash: HHS Vs. Chandler!!!

A spectacular game was played between the Hamilton Huskies and the Chandler Wolves. The stadium was packed as spectators came to view the famous rivalry between Hamilton and Chandler.

Hamilton, a school that has been open for a little over 10 years has earned five state championships in football, whereas Chandler, a school open for more then 100 years has earned absolutely NOTHING! Hamilton has defeated Chandler 14-0, leaving Chandler football team standing in a puddle of their sweat, tears, humiliation, defeat, misery, loserdom, suckishness, incompetence, and above all, FAILURE!

An interview with the Chandler quarterback, Brett Hundley, revealed this about the Chandler strategy. "I was told to throw the brown round thingy at one of the running people who was wearing black. So I throwded it at them but it didn't stickted to their hands like our coach said it would."

Hamilton High's football team won the game with a landslide victory, making them undefeated against Chandler, 14-0, making this their 6th championship.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Monday, September 27, 2010

News Flash: Homecoming - A Gathering of Alien Elites

Alien Royalty Converse at Homecoming
Homecoming, as most believe it to be, is a harmless get together where people have the opportunity to dance and socialize for $15. But further investigation brings into consideration a startlingly different view that has the potential to shatter how we view school events. Homecoming is actually a secretly orchestrated gathering of alien elites, bent on destroying the society of planet Earth. Yes it's true! Where do you think all the drugs come from?

Spies from Warped Reality Headquarters were sent to investigate this popular gathering, and have revealed that it is, in fact, a large, well thought out and planned meeting of representatives from different extraterrestraial coalitions. The gathering is actually one of a multi-species alien army. Not only is the army highly advanced technology-wise, but it also demonstrates highly specialized unit classes. JOCK - whose members are trained in long distance shooting, undoubtedly useful as snipers. DRAMA FREAK - trained to impersonate and blend in with the crowd. NERD - trained to manage the army communications and hack into government databases..

Homecoming royalty is undoubtedly a clever disguise for the alien coalition leaders to blend in with the crowd of standard students. These elite few are selected by a inter galactic democratic election, with a cover up election being held within the school with obviously fabricated results.

In an undercover interview with an elite, "Homecoming is a great way to celebrate our superiority over the human race and look forward to the planned takeover."

Sunday, September 26, 2010

News Flash: HHS Vs. FHS Football Game

This picture was taken of FHS's quarterback (middle with black socks)

In an epic football game this past Friday on September 15, 2010, Hamilton High School affirmed their dominance over Fail High School. In a landslide victory, Hamilton football team took the win, and left the FHS ball-throwing cheerleaders standing in a puddle of their own tears. The linebackers towered over their pathetic opponents, causing them to squeal for their parents. The coaches attempted to comfort the losing team while the Hamilton players basked in their glory. "It isn't fair," the opposing quarterback whined, "Hamilton is just too amazing!". The final score was ∞ - 0.

An interview with Hamilton's quarterback showed that he had this to say about the game, "It was almost too easy, in fact, I think I saw one of the linebackers wet himself when he saw our water boy."

The game went for a clean victory, however, it was a very tiring experience.

The running back says, "Our team was exhausted from constant touchdowns that we had to substitute in our bench warmers to take our places. Its hard work running 100 meters every time when there's no hopes of getting tackled and getting to rest and lie on the ground for a while."

Congratulations Hamilton High football team, and better luck Fail High School!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Stupid Little Kid Strikes Again With Yet Another Grade D Essay! MUST READ!!

View His Second Retarded Story Here
      So by now you must have heard of the stupid little kid as mentioned in a previous report, and are probably pondering different names by which you may refer to the stupid little kid. Well save yourself the trouble and time because no one who writes stories like these deserves a name!

      Yet another "Periwinkle" story has been leaked onto the web, and this may be on of the best (not really) ones! A classic tale of a loser longing for friends who decides to pass his time swimming in what seems to be Exxon's oil spill while attempting to add some meaning and purpose to his life, is clearly a metaphor for the author's life as well as a desperate cry for help.

      Worse yet, the author expects it to be published after his first story was turned down even before it was opened! Our sources tell us that the author, dismayed by the rejection, however expected it may have been, is working on another story in the basement of his parents house, surrounded by the beady eyes of his spiderman action figures, comic books, posters, and standees.

      We can all just offer him our pity as what seems to be pure talent gilded with worthless efforts goes to waste. We can infer that his stories have also taken some inspiration from his friend, and probably his only one, Varun, who actively contributes to the idiocy that is "Periwinkle" just as much as Hatava does.

      Message to these two *ahem* gentlemen: Get a hobby!!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Rafael Nadal Wins Arm Flailing And Grunting Competition!

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Let it be known that on September 13, 2010, Rafael Nadal is now the world champion arm flailer and grunter! A title awarded only to the most deserving arm flailer and grunter, this year, Nadal takes it home as the world's greatest!

It was an intense showdown, Russian cursewords under his breath, Djokovic put up a very fierce show, but at the end, there can be only one... only one will go home with the glory... only one can have the worlds scratchiest throat... only one can have the worlds limpest arms... one... to rule them all!!

Tensions were high and the pressure kept rising as the competition was postponed for a second time due to raining on the scene. Once play resumed, the players came back as aggressive as ever, arms pumped up for wild and uncontrollable swinging, throats parched so as to provide maximum gruntiness (yes gruntiness is a word).

Congradulations to a game well played Nadal and Djokovic, great skills and efforts, the world looks forward to seeing the same intensity and passion in next years game!

Halo: Teach - A New Educational System For Young Spartans

Mr. Chief Educates Preschool Level Spartans On Basic Rifle Handling
Last Thursday, the Federal Education Bureau released a report containing a compilation of shocking studies performed across the nation. Numerous studies have cited that the literacy rate for Spartans is shockingly low, at about 13% being able to read text aside from military commands or other army related text, and an even smaller 8% having the ability to write. Due to this controversial issue concerning the education of our young Spartans, the government has put in place a motion for numerous schools to open up this following year. As of Sunday, a pilot program involving the conversion of the military bases in Blood Gulch into a preschool has been initiated. If this is successful, it will be extended to encompass numerous school districts across the entire country.

Mr. Chief, the only school teacher in employment, was interviewed by a field operative. Mr. Chief was clear in voicing his discontent for the current education standards. "I find their lack of education to be disturbing. Someone with some experience needs to gravity-hammer some some stuff into those thick Spartan helmets of theirs. Someone needs to teach these grunts how to fire a rocket launcher, someone needs to teach them how to aim a Spartan laser, someone needs to teach them how to hijack and commandeer a Banshee and fire a fuel rod." At this point, a "routine" Covenant bombardment on the base hit our reporter, tearing apart his flesh and flinging his internal organs across the scene. A salvaging party was sent to search through his blood and guts to recover the interview tape. The school recycled the remnants of the reporter into the Spartan lunches.

The school system is separated into three major parts and a fourth for those eager and motivated Spartans wishing to pursue higher education. The first part is a encompasses Preschool through Kindergarten schooling in which Spartans in training may learn basic fundamentals of handling rifles, disassembling Covenant weaponry, interpreting the tracks of different Covenant creatures, and how to write in cursive.

The second part of schooling consists of grade school, from 1st grade to 8th grade. During this period of time, Spartans have a wide selection of electives to chose from. Several of these include foreign languages, such as Covenant, or Culinary Arts, in which students learn how to prepare meals from the blood of hunters. Sports leagues are available also, with activities such as energy sword jousting and oddball. Excelling in activities such as speed assembling of fuel rods can earn students a place on the Honor Roll list.

The third portion of schooling is for grades 9 through 12. During this period of education, 9th graders will be referred to as freshmeat. The freshmeat will enter into this section of education and will be able to take part in classes such as human and alien history and home ec. Students will be able to join the school oddball team and attend school events such as school dances and games. A complimentary driving course will be offered for students of age 16 to learn how to pilot a banshee, mongoose, scorpion, and warthog.

The school system will provide transportation for students who live in other planets by mean of Pelicans. Each Pelican is outfitted with state-of-the-art first-aid kits, video screens, bullet proof armour (in case of Covenant attack), leather upholstery, and cup holders. Seat belts are not provided because students need to learn how to respond quickly in demanding situations. Seat belts have been proven to substantially lower reaction time and energy, and in order to remedy this problem, have been removed. Sending you're young Spartan to school is a liability risk and you will be asked politely by military force to sign a waiver on your child's behalf.

On behalf of the No Spartan Left Behind Except The Dumb Ones foundation, we hope this will be an enjoyable year for your young Spartan. We hope he proves to be a valuable asset and will not be a waste of our time and energy and space. Because if he is a waste of our time, then he will be ejected into the deep bowels of the ever expanding space where all he has too look forward to is the vacuum of space slowly squeezing his eyes and juices out of his body as he expands and then explodes, leaving behind a plethora of body parts and space debris that will most likely be salvaged by space scavengers to give to their children as afternoon snacks. Good Luck!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Grand Slam: Nadal vs. Djokovic!!

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Much hype has been made about the Grand Slam title between Nadal and some Russian dude whose name is as hard to say as it is to spell, so we'll just call him Djokovic. Tensions rose as Russia's representative, Djokovic, threatened Nadal with, quote, "Going communist on his face." Whatever that may mean, it is certain to be an interesting game

An exclusive fireside interview with Nadal revealed that the young tennis star is relying on pure luck and a wild and uncontrollable swinging of a raquet will win him the title. "Wildly flailing my arms and grunting has won me stuff before," Says Rafael Nadal,"So it should win me the Grand Slam title as well, no matter how communist Djokovic goes on my face. If he goes communist on this face created with years of plastic surgery, then i'll make my signature bull fighting grunt in his face and he'll go crying home to his equal-wealth-sharing parents!"

At this time, another interview was being conducted in the room right next door with Djokovic. "Nadal's arm flailing is very impressive, i'll admit. It's earned him number one spot in the world. But i've been working at my arm flailing, and I think it's up to par with Nadal's, if not better! At the end, it's all about who ruins whose face and who flails their arms harder, faster, and better. I've also been working on my grunt, and I find that it is coming along quite well, it should be perfect within a couple of days," Says Djokovic. His calm answers suggest that he is very confident in his arm flailing and grunting.

There you have it folks, this year's Grand Slam title will be won by whoever can flail their arms wildly better and can grunt as if in pain, harder. Cast your votes and leave comments about who you think can flail their arms the best and grunt better than the other!

And good luck to both Nadal and Djokovic, may you have all the strength required to flail your arms and scratchy throats to bring your grunting to the next level!

Some Stupid Little Kid Thinks His Story Will Be Published

View His Retarded Story
Some dumb little kid thinks that his story will be accepted by a publisher, sources told us yesterday. This announcement comes after the recent development of a creative writing assignment for a 7th grade English class.

The lame story, featuring a loser named Periwinkle is possibly one of the stupidest things ever to exist. I have no idea why the heck it even deserves a post about it. What is this guy's name? Hatava or something?

"The story sucks." commented the kid's Language Art's teacher, "Everybody knows that Santa's factory got shut down by OSHA due to low-light working conditions. I'm going to give him a D."

Based of data from our polls, it seems as if these ludicrous thoughts are being promoted by Hatava's friends. Especially that one loser who's always talking to him. What was his name, Varun or something?

Analysts predict that the stupid kid is in for a reality check at some point within the next 2 years. Until then, we may yet see more of this crap. Please join me, and pray that this torture ends soon.

Google Unveils New Mind Based Search

Using Google MindSearch, searches can be performed by thought

This Wednesday, Google unveiled MindSearch, an extension to the standard Google search that allows users to search phrases simply by thinking it. This comes in conjunction with the much mire hyped addition of Google Instant Search, a service which displays results as users type.

Google Officials told us Thursday, that this venture was launched in an attempt to curb the time required to search for a phrase.

"The average search takes about 2 seconds." an analyst told us, "That's simply far too long. We could be spending that two seconds being the productive good citizens that most of us are. With Google MindSearch, we can drop that time to a record 0.01 seconds!"

Google MindSearch is based off a new Google API, dubbed Predict, which uses information about the user found on the web, and creates a perfect mathematical model of their brain and thoughts. MindSearch then uses this data to determine the current thoughts of the user with 100% accuracy.

Within the next month, Google plans to release ForeSearch, a browser extension that allows people to initiate a Google search before they visit the site.

Bus Accident Kills Someone That Nobody Knows, Big Deal!

In the city that never sleeps, three orphans and an old lady were killed in a bus accident. The bus carried a total of 58 passengers, but after salvaging through the wreckage, only 55 were found. The other three are assumed to have been abducted by alien figures, killed by Al Qaeda, or ripped to shreds and strewn across the road.

Workers are in the process of rebuilding the children so that they may be identified by their caretakers. The body parts were scattered across a one mile radius, as one spectator recalls, “The little boy’s arm had some serious air-time, but I think the little girl’s head got more distance, although it can’t be denied that the other young child’s disembodied organs made more of a mess.”

The body parts flying across the scene caused a rough estimate of $1.1 billion in collateral damage- breaking windows, denting cars, jamming soda machines, etc. - which is all expected to be paid by the caretakers of the orphans whose body parts were the root cause of all of the destruction.

A survivor was questioned as to what had happened to cause this accident. He claims that as they were driving along a busy intersection, the driver noticed a Klondike bar lying on the road, and bailed out of the bus in order to get the chocolate treat covered in mud. The bus spiraled out of control before finally colliding straight into an old lady power-walking in a park. Officials have confirmed this based off pieces of grey hair found in the remnants of the engine, even though the body has not been recovered yet.

The Klondike bar was undoubtedly placed in the very suspicious location by Al Qaeda as a terrorist attack, intending for the bus to veer out of control and travel roughly 100 miles down the road and plow straight into the white house. However, thanks to the feeble body of the old lady whose name remains unknown, the bus’s intended path was obstructed, and caused only minimal casualties of people who don’t really matter, in other words, expendables.

The old lady was given the Medal of Honor the following day for saving the lives of people who are more important than her. However, because her body was unable to be found, the medal was tossed into the wreckage in hopes that the lady’s spirit will find it.

A memorial for those who died will begin construction on Friday, September 17, 2010, to honor those that gave their lives to and defended the United States from another terrorist attack. The names of the victims are unknown because they fail at life, so the memorial will be signed off to Oprah Winfrey, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and B.o.B.

Let us all remember that on this day, someone died to keep someone else safe, even if we don’t know that someone’s name and they probably deserved to die anyways.