Sunday, October 31, 2010

News Flash: Halloween!

Picture From:
The upcoming holiday of Halloween, originating in Ireland, is one of many that have been adopted into American culture. On this night, ghosts and ghouls, vampires and werewolves, and the scariest of all, Hannah Montana, gather to engage in the popular activity of the theft and consumption of high glucose solids wrapped in colorful paper used as a mask to cover the true artery clogging, fat building, teeth rotting yumminess inside. More popularly called, Trick-or-Treating.

Along with the a raise in heart attacks, Halloween also marks a rise in pumpkin sales. Millions of Americans have bought pumpkins in order to hollow them out, deface them, and let them rot. "I'm really excited to see how fast the mold spreads," one kid told us. No matter where you are, you can look forward to a wide assortment of lame carved pumpkins that you feel a sudden urge to kick over and chop into pieces with an Axe.

But above, don't forget to waste time, scare little kids, and get obscenely fat. Happy Halloween!

Oil Spill In The Gulf Is A Government Conspiracy! Must Read!

Picture from:

As you may have heard on the news, at school, at work, at home, at your mom's house, at your dad's house, in the cardboard box you live in, the Gulf coast oil spill has been expanding at a rapid rate and threatens the lives of many marine wildlife. This catastrophic disaster has been stirring alarm all across the United States. So pack yo kids, pack yo wife, and pack yo husband 'cause they callin' everybody out here! Wrong!

Our top reporter went on the scene and interviewed some marine wildlife about their experiences with the oil spill. Mr. fat old sea cow, had this to say, "......." From this response, it is clear that the wildlife have not been affected at all by this so called "world catastrophe," as the government is leading us all the believe.

This government conspiracy suggests that something is being hidden from the public. Common questions being asked regarding it include: "Is there really an oil spill?" "If there is, can we blame exxon just because?" "Were the images photoshopped?" "Can I meet Mr. fat old sea cow?" "What time is it?" and lastly "Why are you wasting my time asking me quesions?"

A further analysis will be conducted in order to confirm that the government is messing with our minds.

Friday, October 1, 2010

News Flash: HHS Vs. Chandler!!!

A spectacular game was played between the Hamilton Huskies and the Chandler Wolves. The stadium was packed as spectators came to view the famous rivalry between Hamilton and Chandler.

Hamilton, a school that has been open for a little over 10 years has earned five state championships in football, whereas Chandler, a school open for more then 100 years has earned absolutely NOTHING! Hamilton has defeated Chandler 14-0, leaving Chandler football team standing in a puddle of their sweat, tears, humiliation, defeat, misery, loserdom, suckishness, incompetence, and above all, FAILURE!

An interview with the Chandler quarterback, Brett Hundley, revealed this about the Chandler strategy. "I was told to throw the brown round thingy at one of the running people who was wearing black. So I throwded it at them but it didn't stickted to their hands like our coach said it would."

Hamilton High's football team won the game with a landslide victory, making them undefeated against Chandler, 14-0, making this their 6th championship.