Sunday, May 15, 2011

Military Report: Poke Wars
Attention public! You are now being attacked by a nonstop barrage of virtual pokes, only to cease firing at the extent of the enemy's patience! Poke wars are some of the deadliest battles a social network addict can be faced with, right next to Mafia Battles and lack of fertilizer for their farmville. Many lives have gone to waste as these people stare at their computer screen for hours at a time, patiently waiting for the next "poke" in hopes of countering with an immediate retaliation of their own. But what makes them so deadly?

Studies have shown that poke wars have a 100% casualty rate (addicts), and often times, a person can find them self overwhelmed with the non stop barrage of attacks. It becomes very easy to immerse yourself in the war, and many cases of post-dramatic stress have been reported. As one lucky veteran puts it, he found himself "drawn in, as if [he] were being challenged by the opposing team to battle patience and wits." It's very difficult to turn down a poke war, because it is a sign of weakness. Even so, if you decide not to respond to a poke, it still exists. It's there... on your home screen, mocking you with it's cruel indifference... sitting silently, waiting....

There isn't much a person can do but respond to the attack, and thus openly accept the battle. At times, you can find yourself battling up to 15 opponents, all of whom who have the intent to destroy you!! So save yourself while you still can, avoid contact with anyone, any human being who exists (In today's society, not having a facebook means you cease to exist) could be a potential enemy, a foe. Avoiding contact with anyone assures that they will forget that your name exists in their endless friend list. Our leading General for Security and Defence has compiled a list of procedures that should be followed in order to assure survival during a poke war.

- Unlimited patience - Poke wars are known to last for many many years
- No activity on facebook - The less activity on facebook, the less people see you
- Make allies - If you have 10 people all poking your enemy, you have a greater chance of ending the war
- Fast reflexes - Quick responses to pokes can quickly tire out an enemy, granting you title of victor
- Nukes - In case your enemy chooses not to forfeit, you may have to turn to alternative measures...
- Bomb shelter - If your oponent chooses to use alternative measures on you, you need proper protection

The General assures us that if you follow these steps, you are not only paranoid beyond help, but you are also safe from the inevitable doom from a poke war. Go now young grasshopper... may the poke be with you....