Friday, May 6, 2011

News Flash: AP Exams
In schools all across the country, students are preparing for their Advanced Placement examinations, that will encompass all of the content that they have learned over the course of the year. As one student astutely puts it, "Oh S**t..."

Reports have come in that Asian parents are now almost 5 times more tense then normal. In an interview with one, we learned "You get fowh, you no get wrice, and den you die." At this point their child arrived on scene and the parent proceeded to beat him unconscious while yelling incomprehensible threats in another language. The child was then rushed to the hospital by ambulance, and was forced to study en route. Arrangements were made to drag him over to the testing location on the day of the exam.

Students have been working diligently with their teachers and peers to best prepare themselves. As one teacher said "MY STUDENTS AREN'T PREPARED! OH MY GOD WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!" At this point the interviewed teacher turned a bright shade of scarlet red and collapsed sputtering random facts likely plucked from previous years AP exams.

The freshman, most of which aren't taking AP exams this year have had a chance to see the intense frustration brought about by these much anticipated tests. One freshman told us "I'm taking ten AP exams this year in order to prepare my self for the 23 that I'll be taking next year!" Show off... Our confidence was reassured when she added "By the way, I have no life." Unfortunately, the kid was destined to fail regardless of her infinite studying and loserness.

We then went further to analyze these so called "Tests of Mass Paranoia and Suffering," and we have come to the conclusion that these tests were released unto the United States by terrorist organizations! Terrorists are no longer the disheveled, AK-47 wielding, blood shot eyed men as they were once recognized as. No, they've found a new target, seeing as they cannot defeat the United States military. They are targeting our children! These incredibly difficult tests have had substantial negative effects on the minds of our youth. Rises in blood pressure, blood clots, madness, post-dramatic stress, hallucinations, and obesity have been charted upon the release of these AP tests.

We questioned one student who had recently taken the AP Spanish test, and he had this to say: "Oh my god, this was THE hardest test I've taken in my life! It's like it was in another language! How am I supposed to know what 'yo tengo un lapiz' is supposed to mean?!" At this moment, the student suffered a spaz attack and was dragged off site by his parents who stapled an AP review book to his head. But that's not even the worst! We conducted a follow up interview with another student who had recently finished taking her AP procrastinating exam, and this is what she had to say: "It was the hardest test that I ever took! So I didn't! I waited till the last 5 minutes so that I could get into my 'zone,' and then I managed to finish 3.827 questions. I think I got a 5!"

Perhaps this year will yield interesting results for AP tests, because amongst all of this chaos, two heroes and their friends have risen to the challenge and have decided to face these AP tests head on! The incredibly muscular, attractive, and wise Atharva Dhole and Varun Ramesh and their amazing friends have studied tirelessly (meh) and have never been more prepared for these exams.

The first week of AP exams is over, and the second week starting this Monday. I hope you fail! JK, good luck. But seriously, DON'T FAIL!!!


  1. And this is why people go for IB...

  2. And this is why I'm taking the SAT subject tests.

  3. Anisha: Nah, IB people fail regardless :P jk jk :)
    Sumbhav: Everyone takes the SAT subject tests haha